.	Tuesday, October 7 / 2003
Heroes, Hoaxes, and Heads.
If you're a big fan of Olympic Weighlifting (and I know all my readers are), you should get a kick out of that snatch picture. I'm not sure who it is, or where he did it, but he didn't actually get the lift, as during the snatch you are not allowed to touch the floor with any part of your body other than your feet, which he (amazingly enough) did. (I just used the word "Snatch" twice, if I want to get people to find this page by any means other than accidentally during a search for porn, I'm failing miserably. For those looking for porn about large chinese female weighlifters I came across this while I was trying to find out who this guy is). There's a whole lotta hoaxing goin' on, and for the full scoop you can always check out snopes (home of all things urban legend) or The Museum of Hoaxes. There you will find many hoaxes previously mentioned here, and a few new ones. If you're looking for days of mindless entertainment, why not try to Hold the Button... the current record is over 13 days. Britain is the home to a real super hero -- Angle Grinder Man! The deal? Well for a start, he cuts the tire clamps off of cars. He clearly is a super hero. Thinking of giving someone The Finger? Maybe you aren't sure if the finger is really for you, or just plain want to know more about this grand gesture, this page will teach you more about the history of The Finger. Want to see something scary? Really scary in that special way that previously only the Telletubbies were? Here it is -- BooBah... I totally kick ass at this game, when the people are standing up and I have the horn, it's like *HONK!* - owned! I know this is totally going to ruin my chances of ever getting this guy's card, but here it is ... Satan is a hockey player. Only once before have I actually wanted to own a hockey jersey, and that one was for Quke III Arena. Ever wanted to know everything there is to know about ninjas? Not those pansy ninjas who are all like "We teach a martial art of adaptation and intellect" and crap, but the ninjas that always wear black and go around jumping out of the darkness and mercilessly lopping off heads for the sheer joy of it. ...and maybe you have some kind of, like jewels or something, and they'll use their ninja magic to steal them and then vanish in a puff of smoke... maybe they'd even leave a head behind (but not their own)... Well, now you can learn all about them, without getting your head lopped off, courtesy of realultimatepower.net. Good night, Bunnies.

.	Friday, September 5 / 2003
Shooting Balls, Blood, and Video Games.
Above is a picture of a real firework you can see for yourself. Yes, it warns you that it SHOOTS FLAMING BALLS. I recently noticed a warning on a box of sparklers which read: "WARNING: EMITS SHOWERS OF SPARKS". ... I damn well hope so! Otherwise I'm returning the things. What the hell are sparklers supposed to do, give your cat a bath?! I wonder if those stupid little snakes have a warning on them like "WARNING: TURNS INTO AN ANNOYING LITTLE ASH TURD THAT MAY BORE YOU." I think this one came from Wil Wheaton's strangely amusing site, but according to Yahoo Maps it takes one hour and five minutes to go from erect to climax. Maybe you heard the news, maybe you just felt it, but apparently Tyrone Henry of Tuscon has been paying girls to test a new "face cream" which he makes himself. In his own body. The deal is that he would blindfold them, do his um... manual labour, take pictures of it for his website and pay them. The funny thing is that apparently they can't charge him with indecent exposure because the girls never actually saw anything. They can't charge him with sexual assault as he never touches them in a sexual way (discharge apparently doesn't count). They can however charge him with fraud, and are doing so. Don't take my word for it -- Read all about it. That's a handy little segue to this catalog item. It's a simulated penis for teaching how to put on a condom, and it actually shoots! Bet that's useful. There are items in this catalogue that are arguably stranger too. Here are over 300 proofs for the existence of God which have been doing the rounds. Vaguely amusing. WISONSIN ZOMBIE BABIES!!! There's no good way to gracefully write my way to this, so here are Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't. Featuring such beauties as "cockchafer","Hairy Woodpecker", and "Prolix". You may just learn something you can use. If you are a follower of the 'toons at Homestarrunner.com , as I am, you may be interested in knowing that there is a Homestar Runner video game in the works. It will be available soon and will run on the Atari 2600. Another tidbit that came to me courtesy of Hecate on Letters To The Devil, it's Bloody Finger Mail ... and it's plasmalicious. (Why do I hear in my 'minds ear', that "plasmalicious" line being delivered as if it were "It's Shake-n'-Bake ... and I helped!"?) Well Orson, that's my report for another month... Nanu, nanu.

.	Wednesday, August 6 / 2003
Photoshop, Time-Wasting, Time-Wasting, Time-Wasting, and Girl Milk.
... That's a historically innacurate weapon of war (a Stuka would never have a bowie knife on it) courtesy of somethingawful.com's Photoshop Phridays. A weekly forray into the bizarre courtesy of various Photoshop wizards. "That deaf, dumb, blind kid, sure plays a mean Photoshop" Speaking of weekly wastes of time. If you haven't looked at Strong Bad's email yet -- you're missing out (site requires Flash). Doctor Jest sent me this link to "The Book of Ratings" one of his recent time-wasters, and damned if I didn't spend a whole morning nosing around the site. It rates stuff, giving letter grades to things from breakfast cereals to D&D monsters. Stupid displacer beasts. This is a month of time wasters, here's one I got from the PTP-Exposed, the Purging Talon newsletter. This site is strangely addictive so don't visit it unless you have plenty of time, or you know nothing about dictators and sit-com characters. You have been warned! For those who want to be insulted by proxy, here is Etiquette Hell, a site where people share tales of terror regarding breeches of etiquette. Finally, proof that the moon landings were faked! (For the record -- they weren't.) This story tells of a disgruntled Asian tattoo artist who has fun at the expese of those who want foreign languages tattooed on them. He claims he is just doing a service by labelling the all stupid people -- and he's right! Remember these simple rules people... 1. Never get a tattoo of a girl's name (or, a boy's name, if that's your pleasure) 2. Never get a tattoo with writing in a language you don't understand 3. Always wait an hour after eating before you swim ... mind you. I've broken at least two of those rules myself, so what do I know? In other news, there was a stripper charged with squirting milk on people. If you ask me -- she should be charging them, she was rendering a unique service and some would pay good money for such a novelty. If you're looking to make your own lava lamp, you aren't alone, and this site can help you learn how. Another D.I.Y. project for you here as this site teaches you how to be a web cam girl. *whew* Well, that's it. Another month, and what a month it's been.

.	Monday, July 7 / 2003
Writers, Commercials, and Comic Book Heroes that Weren't
Sex sells (but who's buying? ... um... everyone ... never mind.), so what better goal for a writer than to create The Sexiest Sentence Alive. Yes, I know a sentence can't be alive, but that's what the contest was called, so nyah, nyah! What do you do when you are a writer and you get a particularly unusual rejection letter? Surely there is a more constructive use for it than origami, or paper airplane manufacture... you can add it to the collection of strange and amusing rejection letters that is The Rejection Collection. Do you wish I'd stop writing paragraphs that follow an A.I.D.A. format? Ive noticed it myself, and it's starting to bug me. Imagine reading a whole update without have to worry about a silly formula. It can be a reality ACT NOW! Where do you go when you're hungry and you want a pizza that is free, and contains no calories? The Internet Pizza Server, that's where. That site is going to change the way you look at economics. BE RICH NOW! ... unless you already are (smartass). If you're like me, you sometimes want to watch your heartbeats, "of course ... we all do", you say, "but where am I gonna find an electrocardiograph at this time of night?" Now, thanks to this website you can make your own for only $4! Please note ... I have never done this, and while it looks pretty safe, you would be advised to do as I do and purchase all of your medical equipment from a reputable supplier rather than making it yourself. This link comes courtesy of Aleuranthropy who posted it on Letters to the Devil. It's a surprisingly large collection of commercials from the 80's ... it even includes the original "clapper" commercial! I spent way too long looking at that site. There were some great ads in the 70's. If you're wondering what a particular song in a commercial is, there's a site which seeks to provide a cannonical list of all music in commercials. There are many ads which you will never see around here from Japanese ads featuring western actors to ads which never ran. The Ad graveyard has some obvious fakes, but regardless of authenticity, they are sometimes quite good, as in the case of the headline for the Beatles reunion which reads: "They said it would take 3 more bullets" , or this one (not good, but notable)... "Commuter worry #76: You may fall asleep and miss your stop Solution: Anti Social Skills The best way to avoid this is to start a heated argument with the person sitting next to you. Try to be as extreme and unruly as possible. For example, if it happens to be a nun, try to defend the genius and popularity of Satan." ... in case I never mentioned it before I hate any ad that starts of with "blahblahblah #69" unless you are actually going to have that many ads -- don't run it! No-one is fooled. There can't be a person over the age of 3 who actually believes that there is a great list of all of the different kinds of exederin headaches, or in this case - commuter worries. The day may come when Lever 2000 is required to list the 2000 body parts that they claim to clean. ...Seriously. Maxwell House had to prove their claim that they were "good to the last drop" in court. Other things you'll never see ... That picture at the top there is actually from Gone and Forgotten. A site which shows a number of comic book heroes that just didn't make the cut. I've gotta show you one more picture, this is a picture of "Captain Marvel" a guy who can detatch his limbs and have them attack bad guys. If this doesn't convince you to visit Gone and Forgotten -- nothing will.

.	Monday, June 2 / 2003
Attack of the Killer Robots... Attack Robots, Attack!
By now, you're probably familiar with Asimo, the walking robot that Honda developed. Do you want to own one? I do, and now I can (or at least I'll be able to soon), as sony has built a toy version of Asimo. Once they get its chest to open up and little spark-firing cannons to come out -- I'm Buying one! Hot or not? You've seen the sites before, rate stupid pictures of stupid people... Have you seen it done with Monkeys? Want to see people list their sins, discuss their secrets, or at least lie in entertaining ways? No ... this isn't a plug for Reverend Ventrue's Message board, it's an introduction to the strange world of E-Admit. Scary, but kinda amusing for a few minutes. Ladies... are there times when you just don't feel fresh? Times when you may be concerned with stains? Now there's Menstruflage! -- a solution thats millions of times worse than the problem it seeks to deal with. ...X-Ray Porn! Here you will find "The Morning Leopard" a strange little shockwave animation. I'd swear Malcom McDowell is doing the voice on this one. In completely pointless news ... Apparently Saddam Hussein had great teeth. This article was located courtesy of The Obscure Store, purveyor of obscure stuff. Not strange, not always bizarre. Just ... obscure. He he ... Plague Domes. They're like snow globes, only evil. Have you ever heard of Cynthia Plaster Caster? She went around making plaster casts of rock star schlongs. She has a website, and it's quite the piece of history. No online musem yet, but here's hoping. This site is a fanclub for an 8-year old kid. Seriously. He's supposed to be the strongest 8-year old in the world because he looks all muscular. It's kinda creepy. There's a flash film here which amused me. It's called "The Grim Reaper Show", and it's somewhat amusing. YMMV.

.	Saturday, May 3 / 2003
Going back to his Ami.
This picture demonstrates the fine traffic system of Pittsburgh. As you can see, your options are Left, right or either, plus a whole new direction they invented, which I like to call "forwardish". If you are given driving directions around pittsburgh, dont be surprised if you hear terms like "slightly left" or "the second right". Be prepared to end up in Mt. Washington, everybody does. I thought my rubberband gun was cool. Then I saw the gatling-gun lookalike known as "the Devastator" that is for sale at rubberbandguns.com . Wow... fear the bands! Here is a low-tech webclock. Nuff said. Now you can have fonts for your computer which are based on the handwriting of famous killers, courtesy of killerfonts.com . Why not make a birthday card for your mom using the handwriting of Lizzie Borden? They have other fonts there ... I'm most tempted by the Michelangelo font. If you're anything like me you've always wanted a geiger counter but just haven't gotten around to locating one. Wait no more! The Gammawatch is here! It's not only a geiger counter, it's also a wristwatch, an extremely useful tool if you wanna know just how long you're being exposed to radiation. Maybe it has applications in microwave cookery...? In case you're more worried about the recent rise in the numbers of vampires and zombies than you are about radiation (duh ... radiation is, like, so "cold war"...). Now the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency is here to protect you. I was away from my computer for a while, and I had close to 500 messages waiting for me when I returned. Out of those, less than 5 were actually messages I wanted. Perhaps at a later date I will explain what measures I have taken to deal with spammers, and blow off some steam, but for now why not take a look at Spam Radio. Damn that is brilliant. Here is someone who has found a way to actually use the crap that collects in the mailbox. If you haven't been abducted by aliens, and would like to be -- it can be arranged. There are all manner of services available on the internet. Do you like hamburgers? Do you like Ninjas? Then Ninjaburger is for you! Your burgers will be delivered by ninjas. Stealthy and flavourful they will deliver anywhere, anytime, sometimes without you even knowing it! For art on the run, why not get some art from a vending machine? This site will screw with your brain, by using your eyes against you! It's more fun than poking your eyes out with a fork at the local Dennys!' Much of this month's Strange Weirdness was brought to you by Dr. Jest of RadioFreeSatan.com so why not go and give a heap of money to RFS? It's better to give your life-savings to RFS than to have it stolen by greedy zombies looking to buy some brains, or taken as payment for burgers by ninjas. To top it all off here's some desert, courtesy of Japanese Ice-Creams ... mmm Fishy!

.	Wednesday, April 2 / 2003
Nipples, Mackerel Pudding, and the Greatest Page in the World.
First off ... the titties. There is a fab-o place (yes fab-o, look at it and you will agree) calle BodyPerks which sells fake nipples. Ladies, no longer will you have to rely on ice-cubes to get that perky, hard-nipple look. "Talk to the hand" may be incredibly stupid, but I have yet to hear anyone complain when told to "Talk to the nipples". If you are looking to come up with a new conspiracy theory and you're tired of the old favourites such as "The cancer rate has gone up since nuclear weapons were tested on our soil ... but fewer people smoke now ... is it really the tobacco that's doing it?" why not try out the Random Conspiracy Theory Generator. Learn such shocking facts as: The Toupee of William Shatner had a visit from a group of Men in Black who said that the seventh son of a seventh son in Klass County wants to extract a DNA sample from Lee Harvey Oswald. I knew it! It's on the internet so it's gotta be true. This guy is building a rocket to the moon. No jive. He's for real, and one of these days ... *POW* *ZOOM* ... to the moon. Looking for the newest way to get in shape? Try Slavercise, you worm. You can also work on your diet using Weight Watcher recipes circa 1974 such as "Chilled Celery Log" and "Fluffy Mackerel Pudding" (virtual bubble wrap not included). Through a link at the "old Weight Watcher" site (Is 1974 really old in the scheme of things?) and I found a link to the wonderful Gallery of Regretable Food. Yum. For those who are tired of waiting for a glimpse of ID software's latest FPS, wait no longer. This website has some exclusive leaked pictures of QUAKE IV ... damn those graphics are awesome. It's super-cala-FRAG-ilistic (not to mention expi-ala-docious). It was skateboards for a while, snowboards, then scooters, wanna know what the latest craze is? Freestyle Wheelbarrow - that's what! Last but not leased (he won't even rent it out) there's The Greatest Page In The Universe, where you will find such gems as "Zombies are the Worst". I spent way too much time looking around that site, but then some people might think that any time spent there is too much time. Then again, I spent way too much time at just about every site listed here, especially this one.

.	Tuesday, March 4 / 2003
Enter the Jaguar.
Picture courtesy of roadtrip america. Have you ever danced with OS X by the pale moonlight? ...Well I have. I just went G4 (finally) and I must say that I am mucho impressed with the new OS. Pretty Slick. This is going to be the first update to the website since the big change, so it'll be chock full - o- carbony goodness. First up, one of my regular readers sent me this link to a desktop theremin. Now you too can enjoy the spooky thrill of the theremin, from the comfort of your own computer. You may not have noticed this little pamphlet in my library, but there's now a version of this classic literary work online. Click here to read "11 Steps To Survival" and find out what you need to do to survive the atomic bomb. If you'd rather be dropping the bombs than being, well... dropped on... you can find all the weapons of mass destruction that you'd like from Birdman Weapons Systems. If you're looking for a really strange survival tool look no further than the mickey mouse gas - mask. Back to strange literary treasures, there's a great story online that uses only symbols make sure you have the Flash plugin and then check out Symbolman. For some strange books there's also "Gadsby" an entire book without the letter "e", and "Eunoia", by Christian Bök , a book which contains a different vowel (and *only*) that vowel, every chapter. This site has dictionaries for One Letter Words, All-Consonant Words, and All-Vowel Words. Oy. Neiman Marcus sells action figures based on yourself. I can't really think of anything good to say about it, aside from some "playing with yourself" jokes. Catenema.com has a strangely amusing collection of stories. I started reading "Toad Patrol" and I was hooked. The cat enema story is unbelievably funny. Then there's the Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation. The name says it all. Heard about the chicken head yet? Follow the link and you will have.

.	Tuesday, February 11 / 2003
Disjointed Travels Across a Strange Internet
You are being watched. As if there was any doubt that Microsoft was "Big Brother", you can now find zoomable aerial photographs of the entire United States, online as part of their terraserver. Of course it only has pictures of the United States, no one would ever use technology like that to take pictures of other countries. In other "big brotherly" news. You may be able to track where your money has been courtesy of Where's George? Here's the website of the Time Travel Fund. The idea here is that if you give them a small bit of money now, compound interest over a few hundred years will be used (upon the invention of time-travel) to bring you into the future, where you will be rich. Looking to spruce up your decor? Now you can purchase an origami boulder, perfect for bonsai. Look at the site or just think about it for a while. Very silly, Courtesy of Rozzlyn I discovered "Bandwidth Theatre" by the Brunching Shuttlecocks. There you will find surprisingly small, and most entertaining flash animations with titles such as "Kitchen Floor" and "Evil Over-Mom" This page has a bunch of strange stuff you can learn how to do. The scary thing is how many of these things I've actually done already. It also has some great links. A page of Evil Genius Hoaxes ... and pranks. More stupid, yet amusing stuff to do. Speaking of stupid stuff... ever wondered why squirrels do the stupid things they do? Squirrel Hazing, that's why. Gnome torture is the order of the day at Die Screaming with Sharp Things in Your Head. The name says it all. Ever wondered what gravity smells like? Here's a cool hack at Carnegie Mellon. It's a coke machine that can be remotely accessed to determine when the machine was refilled, and what it currently contains. It's incredibly clever, and you can find out all about it, and similar projects at other schools, on its web site. For strange things on the internet, some kind of award has to go to this guy who has put his home online. You can watch him on webcams, and control a few things such as lights. Seriously. You can turn the lights on and off.

.	Thursday, January 9 / 2003
Demotivators, Lord of the Things, and sudden, unexpected
You may be familiar with "Successories", makers of lame phrases for annoying employers who just love driving their slaves crazy with stupid sayings that make them feel like they have a shot at the top, right up until their dreams are crushed by the corporate... um.. shoe. hmmm... Well, anyway... there's a similar company for those who like satire, and aren't afraid to face facts. Demoviators are their gems of wisdom such as the one above, so when the world finally shatters your delusions of grandeur you won't be surprised. Have you caught "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" yet (the movie, that is)? If so you may have noticed a few errors, if you didn't notice anything wrong this site will change that. Perhaps you can't get enough of the Tolkein? Why not take a look at the deeply disturbing "Lord of the Peeps". Yes, it's "Lord of the Rings" done with peeps. You can tell an arse from an elbow, right? If you want to find out if you truly can, take a look at this site where your elbow-arse classification skills will be put to the test. If you haven't yet thrilled to LOBSTER MAGNET... Go now. I recently saw a poorly translated Japanese candle which would "fill the room with a present smell." It must have been dictated. This is another example of engrish, and that link will take you to a site with many more. "What are we going to do tonight, Brain"? "Same thing we do every night..."