What a title. I hope I can live up to it. It could mean so much. This could be the title of a summer blockbuster, or a cutting-edge sci-fi novel. It could be a diatribe about modern warfare and the incredibly lethal toys that have come from the arms race.

It's not -- it's about toys. Dangerous Toys.

Some people have gone to extremes to tell us what toys are and are not safe for children. One group, W.A.T.C.H. (First off -- I should say that I agree with their reasons for selecting the "Top Ten Worst Toys" they are pretty good reasons and I do wonder what the manufacturers were thinking -- but not everyone has the same good sense), has set out a list of toy hazards...Reading some of the other stuff that has come out of that group it seems that they believe the first thing a child does with a toy is to try and figure out how it can be used to make them, or one of their friends, dead. "How can I kill someone with this toy?", they wonder.

Looking at the WATCH list and thinking of the toys I had while growing up I should be dead, and so should all of my friends...

"TOY HAZARDS TO WATCH OUT FOR" - THE W.A.T.C.H. LIST

WATCH...for Toys Marketed On The Internet, without warnings, instructions or age recommendations posted on the website.

We didn't have the internet back then, so I can't really comment on this one. This site wouldn't have existed. Instead I'd probably be one of those nutters who handed out mimeographed pamphlets at the local comic book store.

WATCH... for Battery Operated Toys For Children Under 8 Years Of Age since batteries may leak, overheat and explode.

That means that my Millennium Falcon and Imperial Troop Carrier were out. Not to mention my flashlights... all of which did leak due to mismatched batteries, but did not overhead or explode ... "droids, sir!"...yes... and FLAMING TOY DEATH!

WATCH...for Toys With "Fur" Or "Hair", including dolls and stuffed animals, that can be ingested and aspirated by oral age children.

I think I'm still at a rather oral age... I didn't have any particularly hairy toys when I was really small, but I can think of at least one rather hairy toy I've had since ... and she was choking the life out of me.

WATCH...for Toys With Small Removable Attachments at the end of laces and strings (e.g., bells, knobs, etc.).

I swallowed stuff as a kid. I like playing in the workshop and remember trying to chow down on some mixed nuts I found there. I had only eaten a washer when my mom caught me. My sister had a doll with a pull string -- that could have done me in.

WATCH... for Projectile Toys, including dart guns, sling shots, and peashooters which shoot objects and can cause eye injuries and often blindness.

In other words -- fun toys. These are the same bastards that neutered the Boba Fett action figure so it wouldn't shoot. I really liked my Battlestar Gallactica toys, because they shot stuff. Little stuff. Dangerous stuff.

"YOU'LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT!!!"

WATCH...for Toys With Pointed Tips, And Blunt Or Sharp Edges that could crush, cut or puncture children's skin.

Pencils are not toys. Don't let kids near pencils. I think my favourite hammer had some claws on it, which weren't cool. Oh... and books can give PAPER CUTS!!! Nooooooooo!!!

They even go after the "Bunch of coloured rings on a stick" toy on their site (the version they don't like uses a wooden stick that is just perfect for impaling or sucking chest wounds - mine was a soft plastic one) . I loved that toy (not in that way...get your mind out of the gutter). You could put them from largest to smallest, or make an hourglass shape, or alternate between the largest and the third-to-largest to make steps... I still love that toy. Kinda freaky.

WATCH... for Toys With Strings Longer Than 6 Inches which could strangle small children.

What, the toys or the strings? What about slinky? That could've done me in. "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! IT'S COMING DOWN THE STAIRS!!! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!"

WATCH...for Any Crib Or Playpen Toys which are to be strung across cribs or playpens. This type of toy has resulted in strangulation deaths and injuries.

What about a brick? My parents made me sleep with a brick -- honest! It's a very old form of body modification, and it worked. That's why my head is so symmetrical (lovely, isn't it?). They changed the shape of my head... then when I'm 16, I go and get an earring so they freak out. There's no accounting for some people.

WATCH... for Toys Marketed With Other Product Lines, such as food, clothing, books, cassettes and videos which could have dangerous designs and are often sold with no warnings, instructions or age recommendations.

Beware of dangerous videos. Again they're telling us that books could be dangerous... kids are gonna say "hmmm... it's heavy... I can hit people on the head with it... or maybe I'll stick the tender parts of my body in it and SLAM IT!".

WATCH... for Toys Composed Of Flammable Material which will readily ignite when exposed to heat or flame.

Again they are picking on books. I'm beginning to think that with all the books I read as a child my life was in great peril the entire time. Anyone remember those cheesy plastic halloween costumes that were popular in the '70s that caused all sorts of asphyxiation deaths and burning incidents?

I think the key lesson here is : KEEP KIDS AWAY FROM FLAMES, NUMBNUTS!!!

WATCH... for Realistic Looking Toy Weapons including guns, dart guns, Ninja weaponry, swords, toy cleavers, knives, and crossbows which promote violence.

In other words: cool toys. I had this kick-ass battery-powered raygun that these people would have hated! Oh yeah, and those little guns that fired sparks would have the WATCH people fleeing for their lives. Remember to treat every raygun as if it's loaded, and keep a safe muzzle direction at all times, kiddies.

WATCH...for Toys Which Require Electricity to function and do not have step-down transformers to reduce risk of shock and electrocution.

Remember the "easy bake oven"? - it's on their hitlist. Why not make "operation" run on household current. It would add to the challenge, and you could re-package it as "Electrocuto: The Bomb- Diffusing game"


WATCH... for Toys With Small Parts that can be swallowed or aspirated, causing choking.

What about "Hungry, hungry hippos? or just plain marbles... I remember my mom being all freaky about that sort of thing. The hippos eat the marbles. I am not a hippo. "Light Brite" and "Battleship" were notorious for little "chokey" bits. The micronauts were probably not a good thing for us to have been playing with either.

WATCH... for Long Handled Toys For Children Up To 4 Years Of Age due to a tendency of such children to place these toys in their mouths and choke.

I can't think of any long-handled toys I had when I was up to 4 years of age. Maybe a rattle... how daring. Maybe the "coloured rings on a stick" thing counts here.

WATCH... for Toys With Toxic Surfaces Or Components that have the potential to be ingested or cause skin irritations (e.g., some children's' play make up kits have components which contain ferrocyanide, a known poison).

They pick on "creepy crawlers", as it not only contains nasty chemicals but it also uses household current. What about "shrinky dinks?" we didn't eat those things. I'm not really sure what we did... Just kinda sat around and said "hey...lookee here!" ...and eventually they got all dried out and fell apart. IF you want to have some serious fun you can melt down "gummie" candies and pour them into (thoroughly cleaned) creepy crawler molds. Then you can eat them. If you're not sure on how to do it safely, you'd better go and play with your hot wheels instead.

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