I figured that since I'm a Satanist and all I should explore some of the hideous TOOLS OF THE DEVIL that all these religious nutters are on about.

The Ouija Board:

I don't have a ouija board. So I figured that I should try the next closest board game - chess (don't even try to figure out how I came to that conclusion, let me assure you that it was by extremely scientific means, and had the salami not stuck to the wall I would be performing this experiment with "candyland" instead). I set up the board, ready for my game of chess with Lucifer.

I assumed that Lucifer plays black and made the first move.

After a sufficient time had passed I decided that perhaps the Devil does not play chess (or at least not with me). If I was going to make this thing work, I'd have to use a real ouija board ( I tried rigging a makeshift board out of a cookie sheet and a piece of cheese, but I kept eating the cheese before any spirits manifested, so that didn't work out). Since some people think that the internet is the work of evil, perhaps if I tried an online ouija board I'd have more luck.

Sure enough, I easily found an online ouija board and was ready to commune with creatures of the darkness.

"Hello evil minions of Satan..."

Nothing.

I tried and tried. Unless the devil is trying to bore us all to hell, he's either gotten a lot more subtle than he's reputed to be, or he just wasn't out there. I didn't even get his answering machine.

CONCLUSION: If the ouija board is the tool of the devil, it's a really boring devil who works for a gaming company.

Dungeons and Dragons:

Well apparently if you want to be on the express lane to damnation all you have to do is play a little D&D, so I dusted off my dungeon dice and decided to run an adventure... with SATAN AS MY DUNGEON MASTER.

"Okay Satan... I'm ready...I rolled up a character, and he's chaotic-evil...you should be down with that!"

Maybe if I burned some candles it would have worked.

CONCLUSIONS: As cool as wizards of the coast are, the devil does not work for them.

Crystals:

Where did I put that crystal? It turned up in a tin of old odds and ends, a quartz crystal, nicely formed, about the same size and shape as a similar quartz crystal (how's that for imagery! Nothing but the best!). Once I had found the crystal I had to figure out exactly what it was supposed to do that could lead to greater evil. I thought it might look nice on the coffee table... nothing...I thought it might look better next to a cup of coffee...nothing...I thought that perhaps some form of snack might make it more evil...nothing...I thought maybe some form of human sacrifice would look good next to it...PAYDIRT!!! ah ha!!! It did lead to evil!!... well, not really. I just thought that one up because it seemed pretty evil, and not because the sight of a crystal sitting next to a half-consumed cup of coffee and the remnants of a tasty snack really inspired it.

That was enough time for the crystal.

CONCLUSION: Crystals make me hungry, but don't lead to evil.

Tarot Cards:

This one had to work. Tarot cards are REALLY bad, and I happened to have the Crowley-Thoth tarot which has to be pretty wicked indeed (not as great as Diabolous Rex's tarot's gonna be, but nasty nonetheless). I started off with a few charlier passes, then I did some card-springing. I moved on to an overhand shuffle and culled a really kick-ass reading at the bottom of the deck, then brought it to the top with a riffle. I did a few false riffles.

Still nothing. I played with the Devil card and the death card like they were little action figures...

"Luke, I am your father..."

"...no! You're not my father...augh!..ooof!!"

Still nothing. I got out a top hat and tried to see how many cards I could throw into it, but that didn't have any results.

CONCLUSION: Tarot cards are not evil, but they can be hard to retrieve from behind a bookcase

Astrological Charts:

This time I knew I was on to something. I got out the Sunday paper (the Sunday paper - that had to be blasphemous) and turned to the horoscopes. They were in the "Classified" section, that was a fortuitous sign. I was looking for work... THE DEVIL'S WORK! There they were... right under Ann Landers... maybe that was a sign... well she's in Chicago and it's well known that Chicago is home to some of the most notorious Satanists (with Baltimore a close runner-up).

The closest I found to anything even vaguely demonic was in the horoscope for Aries where it said "You will be handsomely rewarded for doing what you enjoy"... yeah... if you enjoy EVIL!!

Okay, so it wasn't even close.

CONCLUSION: Ann Landers is Boring, horoscopes are lame.

Videos Dealing With Violent and Dark Themes:

I considered watching "Satanis", but it isn't particularly dark (except for the lighting in some parts), so I settled on "Darkman". It's pretty violent, and it has the work "dark" in the title, so it must be right up there on Hell's list of “choice viewing”.

If the truth is to be told, I got bored part way through and ended up watching an episode of “Samurai Jack” instead, but in my defence - it's somewhat violent and dark too.

CONCLUSION: Raimi does, indeed, kick ass, however “Darkman” is an exception to the rule. Samurai Jack cannot fly, just "jump good".

Pokemon:

This one had to work - or so I thought. I grabbed an "I choose you, Pikachu" that I just happened to have sitting around and began interviewing THE DEMON ITSELF. What follows is a transcript of my interview:

Me: So I hear you're a tool of the devil.
Pikachu: Pi-ka.

Me: How many souls have you claimed?
Pikachu: Pi-ka pi-ka.

Me: What is it like to be a portal for dark, mysterious powers of the evil one?
Pikachu: Pika.

Me: Does the Devil have a dental plan?
Pikachu: Pi-KA.

Me: Your cuteness does not fool me foul spawn of the pit!
Pikachu:Pi-kAAA.

...I got nowhere with the Pikachu.

CONCLUSION: Pokemon may be the devil's work, but it's a cutesy anime devil with big eyes and a big head, that tends to wink and flip peace signs when it's happy.

Magic: The Gathering:

I dusted off my old black-red, land destruction deck, threw together a nasty little white-artifact, defensive deck (stalling stuff, millstones and other card-eating cheese) and entered battle with my oldest foe. She was playing her usual blend of big green creatures that walk all over my sorry ass, and another deck which will teach you just how many creatures can be summoned in one game.

The battles raged long into the night, but no demonic manifestations were seen (unless you count some really ornery ball-lightning that slammed me pretty hard once in a while).

CONCLUSION: MTG may eat your time - but not your soul.

THE BIG SUMMARY:

Overall I'd have to say that these tools of the Devil are highy overrated. Instead of feeling the urge to indulge in human sacrifice, or vast orgies I feel rather more like having a bit of a lie down, or doing some knitting. Maybe if I try listening to some heavy metal music...

NEXT TIME: Lesser Known Tools of the Devil

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