Here's a little experiment I'd reccomend you try - eliminate the phrase "I'm sorry" from your vocabulary.

That's right, don't use it.. No matter how bad you feel about something you said or did, you have no recourse to that phrase. So now what can you do? You don't have your "magical eraser". It's amazing the crap people think they can get away with just by using that phrase, and it doesn't mean squat. Instead of being able to make things dissapear you will have to explain yourself, and explain why you think what you did was wrong. No more "I'm sorry I ate your last Krispy Kreme" now it's "I ate your last Krispy Kreme because I was being very selfish, at the time I didn't want to think that you would have minded - now I know that you do mind and I want you to know that I didn't mean to annoy you and would like to make it up to you". Sure, it's not as catchy, but it makes things a whole lot more clear.

It's easy to parrot a phrase, but it's much more difficult to assess your motives and articulate them. I can't possibly believe that people experience regret for things they have done so much as they do for things that didn't work out the way they wanted them to. Even just an "I really feel bad because you caught me, and I didn't want to have to deal with you. Your opinion means a lot to me" is better than that 'other' phrase, it's far more honest, and far more helpful. Communitation is not a collection of stock phrases to be thrown out when the occasion warrants it, it is an effort to understand and be understood.

I don't know about you, dear reader, but I can deal with motives, I understand motives, wheras "I'm sorry" is just like slamming shut a big door. It tells me that I'm dealing with someone who either has no idea why they behave the way they do, or doesn't want me to know it. Either way - they don't seem to be particularly 'sorry' (well... they're likely quite 'sorry', but not apologetic).

"But" you say "You have identified a problem and not given a solution - tsk, tsk!". Quite right, that is counterproductive. So here's a simple solution to this dilemma...

How to apologise the Professor Sinister Way:

1. Take Responsibility: State what you did
ie: "I took your last Krispy Kreme."

2. Empathize: Get into the other person's head and explain it from their viewpoint
ie:"You were probably saving that for later, and are feeling dissapointed and betrayed."

3. Explain Motivation: State why you did it
ie: "I was hungry and it looked so tasty."

4. Show Understanding of Transgression: Tell them why it was wrong.
ie: "I behaved selfishly and ate something that wasn't mine."

5. Restitution: State how you're going to make it up to that person.
ie: "I would like to make it up to you by buying you a dozen fresh ones."

Obviously, this is an oversimplified example - It will rarely be so simple, and don't think that you can buy people off, but you get the idea. It won't guarantee you forgiveness or anything as transient as that, but it just might get you understood ...and that's not bad.

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