There has recently been a revolution in manners! New rules have emerged and gained such common acceptance that now everybody can be an asshole without it being out of the ordinary.

Being the shrewd observer of human nature that I am (especially naked human nature *rowrrr!*) I have compiled this guide to The New Etiquette, for your personal assholification™

PHONES:

• Replace the usual “hello” with something cool like “yeah?” or “go ahead”. “Talk to me” makes you seem really important and impresses the ladies.
  
  
• Cell phones are not real phones and can be used at any time.
  
  
• Since the person phoning you is not actually there it isn’t rude to interrupt a conversation by talking with them.
  
  
• Talking on a cell phone is an excellent way to take your mind off the road during tedious driving.
  
  
• When you are done with your conversation -- don’t say “goodbye” or even “bye”, simply hang up. That’s what the other person is going to do. Don’t be a sucker -- hang up first!
  
  
• Telemarketers are subhuman and are to be treated with contempt. A simple “I’m not interested”, or “please put me on your ‘do not call’ list” isn’t enough! You must insult, tease, taunt, and devise other means for making their lives miserable. Can’t they get real jobs like everybody else? The only way to discourage this kind of thing is to make them feel like utter crap for wasting your valuable time. Ruin their day -- they asked for it! It will make you feel better, knowing that you are in control, and have power over these leeches.
  
  
• When on a cell phone you are wrapped in a magical “sphere of protection” which allows you to discuss highly personal things with no regards to situation. Feel free to discuss all of your woes with your buddies, or argue with your wife whether on the bus, on the street, or in a restaurant....

“PERSONAL” CONVERSATIONS:

• ...are passé. There are no longer restraints on where you need to be to discuss those warts on your husbands genitals, or your financial problems. John Donne said a long time ago that no man is an island, and it should be regularly proven to be true! If you have a problem the world has a problem -- and it shoudl know it!
  
  
• Volume levels should be loud at all times, regardless of the subject matter. Whatever it is it has to be more important than what anybody else has to say.
  
  
• If someone asks for your opinion on something in confidence you are welcome to discuss it with your other friends in order to get their opinions. It is especially important to talk with other concerned parties, but be sure to talk in an easily cracked code willed with specific details, so that you can't be accused of telling them, but they'll still be able to guess such as:
  
  "Someone told me that their boyfriend was really into one of her friends and wanted her to put on a police uniform and sing karaoke while she watched them doing it 'Kangaroo-Style'... Would you do it? Would you be all, like 'I don't care if your boyfriend is a lawyer and just became a partner-- it's gross!'? or would you say 'since you've been my best friend since we were kids, and I was your dad's best man before the operation, I'd be glad to!'?"
  
  (note: that was only an example, any resemblance to conversations by persons living or dead is deliberate, but no specific conversation is intended. It may as well have been about a potential promotion, or raise at work. Today I felt like using a strange sex example)
  
  

... Next time, "Part II: Common Courtesies"

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