In the previous installment of this oddessy into Satanism I explored a number of things which are thought to be tools of the Devil, but there are tools of the nefarious monarch that are not known to many. Fortunately as one of his unholy minions I am privy to many titbits that are the bailiwick of my ilk, and today I will share some of those things with you...

The High-Temperature Spatula:

It's pretty hot in hell, but the devil doesn't like his creme anglaise with bits of rubber in it. Thus it is as result of his grand design that the modern alchemists were granted the formula for a substance which does not melt at high temperatures.

Many of his dark servants carry this item, and an unhealthy obsession with high-temperature spatulæ is a strong indication of satanic affiliation.

Godzilla:

Satanists like Godzilla, it's true - just ask the pope. Collection of Godzilla merchandise, quoting from Gozilla movies, or speaking Japanese are signs of potential allegiance with the Devil.

Back Scratchers:

The nameless one wants you to indulge in carnal pleasures. That is why his followers are often seen to have little wooden hands on sticks. Only those who hold high ranks in his organisation dare to wield the articulated hands. Every time they squeeze that little lever, the hand makes tiny satanic gestures that send innocent souls to hell as they alleviate itching - but beware! the pleasure comes at a price... the more you scratch - the more you want to scratch.

Bad 80's Synth-Pop:

To even begin to explain this would divulge information that is dangerous to the uninitiated. Rest assured that it is a tool of the Devil, and that to say any more would surely put my life in peril.

The Phone Book:

Yes, we of the Satanic conspiracy have also found a way of putting our bibles in every hotel room. Filled with many demonic names and the means for summoning them, this simple book is guaranteed to turn you from God faster than you can say "directory assistance".

NOTE: The yellow pages isn't one of ours ... that was put there by the Masons.

Toothpaste:

Think you're fighting tooth decay? Well you're actually offering up prayers to the lord of hell! Employing a technology we reverse - engineered from buddhist prayer-wheels we have found a way to fill your mouth with minty-fresh homage to Lucifer himself. Remember to pray after every meal, and don't forget to pray on those back teeth too.

LaTeX:

When it comes time to publish his lies, the Devil needs a tool for high-quality typesetting and this one fits the bill like a duck. He didn't program it - that was some other gods, but the Devil knows good software when he sees it.

Self-Tapping Screws:

With ordinary screws you must first make sure that your surface is sufficiently holy (read that aloud and think about it for a second - it makes a strange kind of sense), but the Devil would like your woodworking projects to be unholy. He's strangely hung up on puns that way. Don't blame me - that's how the Devil works - in mysterious ways (...evil mysterious ways). This segues nicely into...

The Robertson Screwdriver:

While this is not an invention of the Devil, it is one of his favourite tools. Far superior to other screwdrivers, it allows his agents to screw things without fear of slippage, and easily tell the different sizes apart. He is particularly fond of his red-handled robertson, and has saved up almost enough Canadian Tire money from purchases of these tools (and the coleman stuff he picked up for last year's camping trip) to buy that new ten-speed he wants.

Smart Quotes:

Ever noticed how word-processors have quotation marks that automatically know which way to “curve”? That's because there are tiny demons which live inside computers and tell the quotes which way they should bow... AND THEY BOW TO SATAN!

The "G" String on Guitars

Oh yes, it's true. None of the other ones - just that one, the evidence for this can be found hidden in the ancient text written in a secret code by Albertus Magnus, entitled: "D00DZ!!! I NEED TABZ FOR ERUPT10N!!!! VAN HAL3N R00000LZ!!!!!!!!"

NOTE: Bar chords aren't a tool of the devil - that's just a red herring.

Fortune Cookies:

They seem innocent, but these little morsels, shaped like the Devil's horns, are a way to expose the unwary to divination - one of the black arts. The more innocent the recipient the more likely they are to be seduced by these messages which come from the head of Lucifer himself. The “lucky numbers” are an incitement to gamble ... use them, and you've just bought your soul a one-way ticket on the bullet-train to hell!

"ALL ABOARD THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT-BUFFET OF EVIL! NEXT STOP - ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!"

The Letter "S"

Even the alphabet is not free from demonic posession. Previous to the satanic pact that Johanas Guttenberg entered into, this letter did not exist at all. As payment for his services, the Devil inSiSted that a new letter be added to the alphabet (oh... and his soul, of course).

Originally the Devil wanted a vowel, but since the whole problem with copyright infringement that JHVH had (which resulted in him having to remove vowels from all of his works and pay royalties retroactively from the beginning of time) the Devil decided that it was just too much of a hassle and settled for the creation of a suitably serpentine consonant.

NOTE: This is believed to be the only time the Devil ever compromised for legal reasons, as he soon thereafter became the father of modern lawyers, ensuring himself endless numbers of damned lawyers for patent litigation and such (Those damned lawyers - they're famous! Everyone's always talking about them).

OTHER NOTE: The Devil is often said to be "the Father of 'i's. This is simply NOT true. It is well documented that the egyptian gods had them long before, although they put them both on the same sides of their words

OTHER OTHER NOTE: This also allowed the dark one to start using the name Satan, a name which was previously a bitch to spell.

Buffalo Wings:

A while back in heaven, a few buffalo fell from grace. Their loss, our culinary delight. The wings of these angelic creatures are extremely tasty when cooked with a sauce that Asmodeus came up with. These are not to be confused with the chicken wing recipe that was invented at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, N.Y., USA , (although the sauce is curiously similar). Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

• Buffalo wings
• Hot Sauce
• Butter
• Habnero Pepper Sauce
• Salt and pepper.
• Sesame seeds for garnish

Procedure:

• Mix nigh-equal parts cold butter and hot sauce (maybe a bit more hot sauce wouldn't hurt) in a warm sauce-pan, swirling the butter, always swirling, until combined. Add habanero, salt and pepper to taste (the Devil likes it really hot), and allow to sit on a low heat for a few minutes.
• Bring heat up slowly, while stirring with a high-heat spatula. Allow the vinegar in the sauce to cook off and reduce, stirring all the while, until it forms a thick sauce.
• Remove from heat and keep warm.
• Deep-fry buffalo wings in oil until golden brown (this takes around 20 years for real buffalo wings but if you chose to substitute chicken thighs, drumsticks, or even wings, it will take significantly less).
• Remove wings from oil, drain briefly on paper and then toss in sauce.
• Serve sprinkled with sesame seeds.

A warning to the uninitiated... don't touch your eyes while eating these, and wash your hands before using the bathroom. Properly made, you will feel the fires of hell burning inside you - and like it.

SUMMARY:

...These are only a few of the lesser known tools of the Devil, as he is subtle in his ways, but be on the lookout for these tools of EVIL! (if you come across a math set with the initials T.D. on them... that's his too, if you could just drop it off at the lost and found - that would be great, thanks).

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