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NOTE: this article is best enjoyed while listening to The Rattles' "Devil's On The Loose")

In my last article I discovered that I MUST BE A SATANIST!

(I know ... I'm shocked too)

Due to the overwhelming evidence, it must be so. But say I'm concerned about my soul... I don't wanna go to hell... John Edwards and Uri Gellar will be there - I don't want to put up with those two asses for all of eternity. I'm not impressed by pitchfork bending and I certainly don't want to be told what a great time everyone's having in heaven, sitting around picking their noses while I do all sorts of hell-stuff.

So what can I do?

Apparently most material dealing with this is more expensive than the diagnosis. I must be too far gone, because I refuse to give any money for this information. Fortunately I came across this page on how to help your teen. Since I'm older than two teens at this point I'll probably have to do everything twice - But who said redemption would be easy?

Tips for Understanding and Guiding Teens
Teens look to parents first for guidance. Know what they are up against and how to
keep them safe from the dark side. Here are some helpful guidelines:

1.Set and enforce clear boundaries for your teen’s activities. Set limits on what
movies and music he can watch and listen to.

Clear boundaries and limits...right!

No watching of music.
No porn during breakfast.
No movies with Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz, or Reese Witherspoon in them.
No movies with a rating lower than "R"
No christian metal music (heavy metal's supposed to be bad, right?)
No listening to any radio aside from Radio Free Satan (and maybe some Howard Stern).
No more watching of "The Newlywed Game" (Bob Eubanks is clearly an agent of Lucifer)
No more watching of "The Greatest American Hero" (who really gave him that suit?... ...SATAN-- that's who!!!

Note:If you play the theme backwards "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air" sounds just like "I am proud to be the butt-puppet of evil"

2.Occult tools can lead toward darker subject matter. Don’t allow these in your
home: Ouija boards, tarot cards, crystals, astrological charts, or videos dealing
with violent and dark themes.

No board games - the devil likes board games, especially "Mouse Trap"

Note: don't even set up the game and then trigger the trap just to watch it go -that's what he wants you to do!.

No playing cards - too evil
No digital watches
No sugar
No salt
No crystal detergents

Note: "scrubbin' bubbles" are right out - Those little things are minions of the nameless one.

No "Crystal Light" - It may say "light", but it's still the tasty, low-carb drink of the Prince of Darkness and chock-full-of-corruption.
No newspapers - they have horoscopes in them.
No news - too violent.

Hey... didn't they already mention videos? Watching "Buckaroo Banzai" is out - he's gotta be a Satanic hero.

Note to self : apparently DVDs are okay. Rent lots of DVDs.

3.Watch for outward signs of supernatural involvement—Gothic garb, tattoos,
self-mutilations, radical hair/clothing fashions, fascination with supernatural
or violent movies, games, and satanic or deviant music.

I swear they already mentioned movies and music... I guess that means I REALLY can't watch or listen. I'll have to pick up some dark glasses and earplugs.

No more self mutilation...SEW THAT EAR BACK ON MISTER!! ONLY SATANISTS AND FRENCH PAINTERS CAN DO THAT!!!
No radical fashions (whatever that means).
No violent games - football is the sporting event that really fills the bleachers...of HELL!
No supernatural movies - That rules out anything with Angelina Jolie. Her breasts are too super to be natural.

Note to self : Don't look at any Van Gogh. It might corrupt you.

4.Give your teen the attention he needs so he doesn’t search for it elsewhere.

Give myself lots of personal attention. I'll have to use my imagination at breakfast ( I KNEW that watching the "Polka-Dot Door" as a kid would pay off!).

That's got to be the problem. I haven't been spending nearly enough time with myself recently, It's just that I've just been so busy worshipping Satan and all.

Maybe I'll take me out for ice-cream.

5.Set the example by choosing the shows and movies you watch carefully.

Yeah. Do as I do, me.

No problem, I'm my greatest role-model, yup... me and BEELZEBUB!

6.Attend church with your teen and family members.

With over 1,300 separate christian churches listed in the local yellow pages I have plenty of choice.

Interesting note: There are NO sex shops listed. Great town for guilt, bad town for sex. Throw a rock in the air and you'll hit some kind of preacher or priest...send more rocks!

I wonder if any of them deliver pizza too... Nope, damn. I'm sure they have juice and cookies, but it's not the same. They often have some kind of bread and wine, but it's usually terrible bread and they have no taste in wines.

All of this seems like a lot of hungry-making work and hardly worth it for a heap of guilt, some really bad tang and some old lady's stale toll house cookies, so I'm going to have to give the church thing a miss.

Around here I could probably just call my place a church and it's likely that even just wiping my ass would be a more rewarding spiritual experience than the 1,300 different flavours of hell that await the humble sinner on the mean streets.

Since two negatives make a positive I'll just not go to church twice and it will work out.

Note: Actually, to keep with what I said earlier, I'd have to not go to church four times, by not going twice on separate occasions - but as math is probably something the devil came up with anyways - I'm not going to sweat it.

So there it is -My path to salvation is clear, thanks to the internet.

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