I just found out that Satanism is everywhere! Someone you know may be a Satanist and NOT EVEN KNOW IT!!!
I can tell you - I was pretty shaken up.
What if I'm a Satanist!? How could this happen?
Well the first thing to do is to make sure, and conveniently enough I came across this list on a christian site to help me determine whether or not I was A SERVANT OF EVIL!!!
"Look for These Signs --
Occult drawings on books, notebooks"
Nope... I really try to take care of my books as a number of them are irreplaceable.
" Discovery of a diary (called a Book of Shadows) filled with strange signs, symbols, drawings (pentagrams, 666, horned figures etc.), & written entries"
Written entries! that's me! I've often kept a journal and I WRITE IN IT! and there are definitely strange symbols in it as it's usually also a sketchbook filled with odd tidbits I've come across, and the occasional rubbing of a curious artifact or texture.
"Poems speaking of blood, murder, Satan, evil, dying or mocking God"
I have all sorts of books of poetry, there's bound to be one or two in there.
"An unusual interest in the Bible without a change in behavior (many people read the Bible to learn about Satan or to blaspheme the Scriptures by mocking them or writing them backwards)"
I do have a few bibles kicking around... I must be Satanic! There's no denying that there's something wrong with anyone who has an unusual (read: strong) interest in the bible.
" Discovery of a copy of the "Satanic Bible" or "Satanic Rituals" by Anton LaVey, books by Aleister Crowley or books other books, magazines, comics or writings with heavy occult themes"
Thats it, I'm going to hell. I have all of those things.
" Interest in occult-related movies, video games"
I really dug Myst and Quake... oh no!
"Obsession with fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, Tunnels and Trolls, etc."
I used to play D&D and I have a few books, but I stopped playing when AD&D was the rage, so I think I dodged a bullet with that one. *whew*
"He/she is called by a different name by friends"
Yup. I am known by many names. Among my fellow evil cult members I am known as "snookums" as it is the secret name given to me by the devil himself.
"Talking in rhyme"
I knew music was evil - especially rap, and that guy from "The Princess Bride" he seemed kinda spooky...
"Boys growing long fingernails"
Ancient China's ruling class must have been filled with Satanists. I have had long fingernails. I try to stop them - but they keep growing back! I must be posessed!!!
"Previously unnoticed cuts, marks, tattoos, or brands on the body (These are often in obscure places like the buttocks, genitals, breasts etc. and often on the left side of the body)"
Well golly, now that you mention it there are all these strange marks on my left side. More evidence!
" Eating raw meat"
Does sushi count? That's it, Japan is going to hell.
"Unusually violent rebellion"
Define "unusually"...
"Occult paraphernalia like bones,..."
There are chicken bones in my garbage RIGHT NOW!!!
"...animal skulls,..."
what about a dead bat, does that count?
" ...knives,..."
I knew it. People who work in kitchens are agents of the devil. If you say "Henckels" backwards it sounds like "cut these shallots brunoise - that's how the devil likes it"
(note: I don't particularly like Henckels. I prefer Yoshkin's knives both the traditional and the Globals, but if you want a good heavy high-carbon stainless french knife - go with the Wustof Grand Prix, they're really nice knives)
"...candle (particularly black, red, white),..."
Those cathedrals, they have all sorts of white candles - they must be evil.
"...pentagrams..."
The whitehouse must be evil... I saw a banner over it with FIFTY of 'em!
"..., hooded robes, etc..."
Does a parka count? ... 'cause I've got this jacket that has a fuzzy hood and when I wear it I look like a total tool. It's surely the work of the evil one.
"...Evidence of animal torture or sacrifice..."
Like I said before... chicken bones, but I didn't sacrifice anything. Grocery stores... Grocery stores must be run by secret Satanic cults!
"...What if you discover your son or daughter is dabbling in Satanism or the occult?..."
Yes... what!?
"First, keep calm."
Okay...
"Don't lose your temper. Let them know you love them and are concerned about their well being."
I haven't let myself know that I loved me in a while... I've been meaning to, but I keep doing things with a partner...I've been neglecting me...It's all my fault!
"Warn of the dangers associated with Satanism,witchcraft and occult practices."
Listen here, me. If you get involved with Satanism you might start REALLY thinking for yourself. You might not be burdened with the neccesary feelings of guilt...Heck, you might even end up hosting some kind of radio show...SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!! I"M TOO LATE!!!
"It may be wise to contact your pastor, a Christian organization that specializes in workingwith youth dabbling in occult activities or your local police department."
I'm sure everyone's local police department would really give a crap.
"Dabbling in Satanism is not just a phase your child will out grow."
Gosh, that is good to know.
...So there you have it.
I guess you can just never tell when or where the Devil will show up. Now that I've found out that I must be in league with the devil, I'll have to find out what I can do do save my soul before it's too late!
Coming soon... Part II: So I Seem to be a Satanist - What Now?
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